Sunday, August 2, 2009

"in my house I've got no shackles you can come and look if you want to"

I hate being a girl, do you?

I would make the worst lesbian, in that I would go out with a hot chick then hate her because she's hotter than me. I constantly weigh myself up against other girls to measure my worth, and when I see a beautiful girl I make bad judgements about her, don't worry that she's more beautiful than you, she's probably a ditz, a slut, etc, etc, etc. Does that make me sound like a bad person? Yes, and I don't like admitting it but I'm being truthful so I am. Don't judge me, I know all of you (or at least some) do it too.

All my judgements are wrong, so you think I would have learnt by now. But I haven't, and I'm starting to think that I can't. I'm the kind of person who puts a lot of value on looks. Not for other people, mostly, after that first initial snap judgement I start to find the person inside. But for myself. I can't, won't, leave the house without makeup, without spending at least fifteen minutes on my hair. I know I'm not ugly, deep down I do. In the right lighting with the right makeup and the right hair I might actually look pretty. Might. There is a small chance. If you squint.

I don't know why I'm admitting this, it makes me seem shallow at best. There's no justification for my actions, I'm just insecure, wanting people to judge me by what they see, not who I am. I'm intelligent, I'm mature (in my thoughts, not in my actions, generally), so why do I insist on beating myself up about my looks? Media? Peer pressure?

Who knows. Maybe it's because when you get right down to it, I just suck.

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