What scares me most it that somewhere along the lines, something will not work.
And I don't know what it is.
My life has been so charmed that something is bound to go wrong. And whatever it is, I won't be able to deal with it. Since I was a youngun I've always known that I wanna get married and make babies. But what if I get divorced? What if my husband gets cancer?
What it I'm infertile?
I sit in the bath at night, staring at my general tummy area, please work please work please work.
It always happens that the more I want something, the more likely it is to fuck up and go wrong and not work. If I can't have children, what would I do? I wouldn't want to live? Sounds about right. Unbalanced but right. God what is with me today, throwing my deep dark shit around the internet.
People would say adopt, but would it be the same? I want to look at my child and think 'my eyes, his nose, her grandmother's humour'.
I make no sense and for that I apologise.
I'll retreat into stability again tomorrow, mmk?
3 weeks ago