Sunday, August 9, 2009
Breathe in, breathe out.
I tilt my head towards the sun in worship, as though I was a weary pilgrim kneeling at a holy shrine. Its rays reach into the core of me, melting away the icy fear that had held my soul captive for too long, too long. The breeze softly caresses me, whispering secrets into my ear, telling impossible tales of far off lands and distant seas and dreams long forgotten.
Breathe in, breathe out.
A slow tear slides down my cheek, the small drop holding my terror, my grief, my pain, my joy. It brushes against my mouth, the salt softly stinging my bloodied lips. The pain, though insignificant, invigorates me. I can feel again.
Breathe in, breathe out.
Friday, August 7, 2009
Wednesday, August 5, 2009
'I have some bad news for you girls.'
Tense up, clench fists, what's happened?
'And it's not Oma or Pup.'
Nana and Papa...?
My uncle. Their husband brother son father of four.
'Sigi's got a brain tumour.'
Tuesday, August 4, 2009
MARRY ME JULIET YOU'LL NEVER HAVE TO BE ALONE I LOVE YOU AND THAT'S ALL I REALLY KNOW I TALKED TO YOUR DAD GO PICK OUT A WHITE DRESS
IT'S A LOVE STORY BABY JUST SAY YES
We were both young when I first saw you...
Monday, August 3, 2009
I love them.
And I don't know what it is.
My life has been so charmed that something is bound to go wrong. And whatever it is, I won't be able to deal with it. Since I was a youngun I've always known that I wanna get married and make babies. But what if I get divorced? What if my husband gets cancer?
What it I'm infertile?
I sit in the bath at night, staring at my general tummy area, please work please work please work.
It always happens that the more I want something, the more likely it is to fuck up and go wrong and not work. If I can't have children, what would I do? I wouldn't want to live? Sounds about right. Unbalanced but right. God what is with me today, throwing my deep dark shit around the internet.
People would say adopt, but would it be the same? I want to look at my child and think 'my eyes, his nose, her grandmother's humour'.
I make no sense and for that I apologise.
I'll retreat into stability again tomorrow, mmk?
'Because therapist equals The Rapist!'
Sister told that one to me in the car today and I actually nearly pissed myself.
I have nothing to say. Due to certain traumatic events (ie losing my psychology textbook), I have deemed myself unfit to do homework. Also, I am crying. THAT'S FIFTY BUCKS DOWN THE DRAIN. AND HOW CAN YOU LOSE THAT TEXTBOOK? IT'S LIKE THE SIZE OF FUCKING JUPITER.
Moving right along.
When your opinions differ to popular opinion it's nearly impossible to take a stand. Today, there was just this person who shitted me off so bad. I had a very nice little day dream about shouting at them in the middle of the school, shouting and screaming and saying what I really feel, but I can't. Because that would make me the bad guy. That said, I know other people feel the same way I do. But who would take the screaming person's side if the other person is running away in tears? People would look at me and whisper and say that's the bitch that made them cry.
I'm probably over reacting, I don't think enough people care all too much about the same topic.
I'll just smother myself to keep the person in question happy.
Sunday, August 2, 2009
I would make the worst lesbian, in that I would go out with a hot chick then hate her because she's hotter than me. I constantly weigh myself up against other girls to measure my worth, and when I see a beautiful girl I make bad judgements about her, don't worry that she's more beautiful than you, she's probably a ditz, a slut, etc, etc, etc. Does that make me sound like a bad person? Yes, and I don't like admitting it but I'm being truthful so I am. Don't judge me, I know all of you (or at least some) do it too.
All my judgements are wrong, so you think I would have learnt by now. But I haven't, and I'm starting to think that I can't. I'm the kind of person who puts a lot of value on looks. Not for other people, mostly, after that first initial snap judgement I start to find the person inside. But for myself. I can't, won't, leave the house without makeup, without spending at least fifteen minutes on my hair. I know I'm not ugly, deep down I do. In the right lighting with the right makeup and the right hair I might actually look pretty. Might. There is a small chance. If you squint.
I don't know why I'm admitting this, it makes me seem shallow at best. There's no justification for my actions, I'm just insecure, wanting people to judge me by what they see, not who I am. I'm intelligent, I'm mature (in my thoughts, not in my actions, generally), so why do I insist on beating myself up about my looks? Media? Peer pressure?
Who knows. Maybe it's because when you get right down to it, I just suck.
However, when it was marked it recieved an 18 out of 20 (or was it 17? No, I think it was 18. It was an A, nonetheless, woowoo!). That has boosted my confidence so much for this year's CTS, as I know I'm a lot better than I was, so there's no reason why I wouldn't get an A. :) Now I just gotta shut up, stop worrying, stop procrastinating, and WORK DAMMIT.
Saturday, August 1, 2009
Anyone else who may possibly read this blog (hahahahahaha): Spoiler alert! lol. Basically don't read if you haven't seen 'My Sister's Keeper'. Which you should go do. Right now. I'll wait.
My Sister's Keeper. I have nothing to say but Oh. My. Gosh.
I lied. I have plenty more to say.
It was an absolutely fantastic movie. In many respects it differed from the book, but for once that didn't diminish the quality of the film. It stayed true to the feel of the novel, so we were all still left with tears continuously running down our cheeks.
It's weird, because it was such an amazing book we were completely expecting the movie to be crap. We were bitching about it like a month before hand, I can't believe Cameron Diaz is Sara! I don't like the girl they chose to play Anna! If they make any changes to the book I'm gonna kill someone!
So I think it's pretty safe to say that we were completely shocked by the pure awesomeness of the movie.
The most obvious and dramatic change would have to be that Kate dies, instead of Anna. Instead of completely ruining the movie, it just feels right. Anna dying was right for the novel, Kate dying was right for the movie. It just would not have worked if the original ending had been kept. And it still dealt with all the issues which the novel raised, which was the most important thing.
Jesse was also much less of a delinquent in the movie, whereas in the novel he was an arsonist. In the movie, when they said that 'Jesse turned his life around', it really doesn't make all too much sense, as his delinquent behaviour was fairly minimal at best. Did anyone else feel that?
I think Taylor also had a more prominent role in the movie. And I don't think Kate's suicidal/emo urges were in the novel; or am I mistaken? But that was all so sweet, painful, but sweet.
And Cameron Diaz was briliant! I originally thought they should have chosen a less famous actress for the role, as sometimes you can look at a character and think, that's Cameron Diaz, instead of, that's Sara, you know? But she was really really really good.
I pretty much cried the whole way through. I just found out that the director was also the director for the Notebook, which probably explains why it's the only movie that can make me cry more than the Notebook.
I cannot think of a movie I enjoyed more, not even the Notebook or Moulin Rouge. :O
Sorry about all that, I just had to get it off my chest. :)
Friday, July 31, 2009
10 days... :)
I cannot believe it's nearly been half a year, more if you include the time we were 'unofficial'. This has all gone so unbelievably fast. It's actually kind of scary. It really does not feel like all that long ago but I guess it was. I love you, did you know?
He was trying to make friends with this group of guys. However, they were enormous dick heads and were really really mean to him, except he didn't notice and kept trying to be their friend.
I BEAT THEM THE FUCK UP.
It was great, I like punched them and kicked them in the balls and threw books at them. And then they bled. And cried.
And, I don't know, it was just delightfully fun.
I also had a dream where I was in Port Lincoln and I did a strip tease for some obese kid who lived next door. I dunno. Awkward.
Thursday, July 30, 2009
Anyway, I have news, which certainly won't excite anyone but me. My family bought a new computer! And we ordered wireless! Yes, I know, my mum finally got over her fear of wireless-induced cancer. And now I can go on the laptop it my room! Away from people eating apples! This fills my heart with glee.
The new computer is soooo cute. It's sitting next to me. /pokes. It's shiny and small and black and adorabubble. Mum says that next year I can get one for my room. =D I'd probably just sit there looking at it coz, ya know, that's just how I roll.
@Leish: I sincerely hope that you don't mind but I'm probably going to be stealing some of your movies. Glitta this goes for you too. Just thought I'd let you know, I can't really be bothered asking face to face because you're both at school. But yeah, coz the computer has a dvd burner so I can burn dvds now! =D
Umm.. yeah. That's all I've got. Apologies for the excessively boring blog.
I DON'T WANT TO DO A FUCKING TIMELINE AND FIVE ZILLION DRAFTS OF MY WORK AND YOUR SHITTY WAY OF DOING A BIBLIOGRAPHY, IT'S MY ASSIGNMENT AND NOT YOURS, I'LL DO THINGS THE WAY I WANT.
Yes, sister, I am talking to you. You irritate me highly with your constant apple eating. You sit there and kick your desk and spin around and slurp (WHO FUCKING SLURPS APPLES?!) and crunch whilst I am trying my fucking hardest to
And it's not only apples you eat at that computer, oh no, the list includes curry and iced coffee and well, let's be honest, nearly everything you consume if consumed in front of that screen. And you eat with your fingers, WITH YOUR FINGERS. This shocks me for two reasons, firstly that you haven't, at aged twelve, mastered the art of cutlery. Second, you lick those fingers and touch the keyboard, then lick them again. THAT'S LIKE LICKING A PUBLIC TOILET SEAT. Scratch that, it's like licking the inside of a public toilet bowl which hasn't been flushed in a week.
You do all this and wonder why I shudder at the thought of you using my laptop. My fears are grounded, fool, you get bread crumbs in the keys and peel off those stickers leaving sticky marks and BREAK MY RIGHT ARROW KEY. YOU BROKE IT. YOU FUCKING BROKE IT. But no one listens to me when I beg and plead for you not to be allowed on my laptop, oh no, no one even listens to me when I petition for you to not be allowed to eat in the computer room. I come in here and see you eating something with your fingers, don't eat in front of the computer!
I'm not touching anything.
Yeah like shit you aren't, which is why the keyboard and mouse are covered in juice and crumbs.
Wednesday, July 29, 2009
I do not like you. You are fifty. Put some clothes on.
I am also having issues with your arms. I dislike them as much as I dislike you. Because of your ungodly arms, I have come to the conclusion that you are not actually human.
I also highly dislike your singing, and when your music videos are on my tv I throw up a little in my mouth before changing the channel even if there's nothing else good on because quite frankly, I would rather watch Divorce Court than listen to you.
You represent all that is evil in this world; however, I will reconsider my opinion if you decide to wear pants in your next concert.
Please do not bother me any longer.
PS. Only fifteen more years until you're a pensioner!
Tuesday, July 28, 2009
Apparently there's a mum at my sister's school who has dementia. She's forty-odd. With young kids. Dementia is supposed to only be for old people in nursing homes with kids that can look after them and coded locks on the doors so they can't get out but she has it. How is that fair, how? I don't know this woman, I don't even know the validity of this story (though I did hear it from Mum and she's generally reliable) but I'm still devastated for their family.
Imagine being a little kid with a mum who forgets your name, your age, your face. Imagine running up to her, arms wide for a cuddle, expectancy and innocence, only to be held at arm's length, who are you? I'm sure that they would have a loving family to support them and explain what's happening, but what could beat the pain of not being recognised by your own mother?
Imagine being the mother, being trapped in an unescapable world which gets more nightmarish day by day. Fuck, what would it be like, living day by day with the knowledge that everything's going to slip away from you and you'll be left with nothing, nothing but confusion and a family of strangers. I don't want to tempt Fate but to be honest, I would rather die than to have that happen, at least I'd die knowing who I was, who my family and friends were, that I was loved, that it's all going to be okay in the end.
Apparently dementia's hereditary, so I've probably escaped fingerscrossedtouchwood.
But what if I haven't?
Sunday, July 26, 2009
Saturday, July 25, 2009
I love it how he doesn't beat around the bush and just says what he's thinking. He was going through all these parables for a while, then just is like, 'yeah, so basically I'm gonna die in two days.' Then later he was like 'So... One of you guys is gonna betray me.' And everyone was like 'no, not me, I would never do something like that /cries', and then Judas was all like 'surely not I' and Jesus was all like 'nah it's you'. Then later Peter's like 'I will never betray you' and Jesus was all like 'nah you will'. You kinda get the feeling that Jesus would have been the most awesome shopping buddy, because you'd be all like 'does this look ok on me?' and he'd be all like 'nah, not really', except you wouldn't be offended because he'd find something else and it's be all like 'but this, you'd look damn fine in this' and you'd love him because you in fact do look damn fine.
It strikes me that I have a very irreligious view on all this, which slightly worries me incase God gets offended but then I realise that Jesus was pretty irreligious himself in the most awesome way possible and so yeah.
"The Icelandic Phallological Museum is devoted entirely to collecting penis specimens from all sorts of land and sea mammals. The museum has received a legally certified gift token for a future specimen belonging to Homo sapiens."
Someone please clarify: does that mean that they are going to put a human penis on display?
I love wikipedia. =D
"Although the museum does not yet have a Homo sapiens specimen, in the interest of advancing phallological knowledge, a patron (Páll Arason, born in 1915 and currently 94 years old) has donated, presumably posthumously, an affidavit for his penis."
Friday, July 24, 2009
Driving down a suburban street, father and daughter singing along to the radio, sun is shining, small child steps out of the shade in the middle of the road.
Jerk of the brakes, rush of blood to the head, innocence stares at us with wide eyes.
YOU COULD HAVE BEEN KILLED.
The other couple watching leaps out of their car, gathers innocence up in their arms and we all wonder about what could have happened. Oblivious innocence waves his hands and frowns at the strangers, who are you?
What if it hadn't been my dad, law abiding safe driver with quick relfexes? What if it had been a hoon, racing down the streets, speeding music blaring nothing can harm me WHAM and another one bites the dust.
Innocence lost, a child's brains dashed across the road, death in suburbia.
A mother weeping, ambulance wailing, grief.
thank you Lord.
Leisha: 'Ohh... Maybe I should shop around for cheaper prices...'
Me: 'Nope, you're buying it here.'
Me: 'YOU'RE BUYING IT HERE.' -drags into checkout queue-
Then her card doesn't work. So she freaks out, and we decide to go to Big W to check everything out. And, of course, they have everything for heaps cheaper, and her card worked perfectly. I dunno, I just find that amusing, and I have nothing else to say. I have soup?
Thursday, July 23, 2009
You've helped me look around and notice the world, whether you realise it or not. Thank you, thank you, thank you, you're my wake up call and lucky charm and the better half of me. Literally, as we are as thin as rakes and us together equals one person and you obviously roll me in the awesome stakes. I love you, did you know? :)
"make believe that you don't see the tears just let me grieve in silence coz each time i see you i just start to cryyyyyyy walk on byyyyyyy"
WAIT FOR ME MY DARLING.
Wednesday, July 22, 2009
Off to buy his present. >:D
Why are we compelled to inflict pain on the ones we love?
In some cases, it's because I'm buying my boyfriend, whom I seriously love with all my heart, a food stuff that he has sworn he'd never eat. I also made him promise that he'd eat it. He's scared.
But in other cases it could just be a thoughtless word, an intentionally spiteful comment, doing something, anything, that makes them cry. You love them with all your heart, yet you lapse, slip into that selfish part of you that you try so hard to hide but it still comes out, all the time, Jekyll and Hyde style. doctorjimmyandmisterjimwhenimpilledyoudontnoticehim
You're aware that what you're saying or doing will just cause them pain, will bring tears to their eyes and a lump to their throat but you do it anyway. whyohwhy
It doesn't mean you're bad. Everyone does it, don't they?
Human = Fail.
You know what shits me off? When you find the most perfect thing you could have used for your assignment, and it turns out to be something you have to pay for, or a book, or something that is not freely accessible. I have traipsed around the internet trying to find something for a fricken psychology assignment, but no, every completely amazing resource is a BOOK. NOT HELPFUL WHEN IT'S DUE THE NEXT DAY. I am on the verge of despairing and drowning myself in a long, hot shower. Tempting. Or even just giving up and going to bed.
School is a chore at the moment. I used to love it, especially early in the year. I don't know what was propelling me on back then but I've completely lost it now. The thought of double Nutrition tomorrow is making me want to cry. I love the subject, it is interesting, but I really don't want to face like nearly two hours of sitting and listening to talking and taking notes and watching the clock and thinking about him, nothing but him, because I have a one track mind that occasionally verges off into subjects like soup and my body heat but generally comes back to him. Am I pathetic? Yes. Obviously. Oh god my foot has gone numb.
Ugh that feels horrendous.
What I want: a Wii.
big family games
big beach sports
mario kart oh look the blood's returning to my limbs
animal crossing: let's go to the city
mario party 8
super mario galaxy
sonic wii charge and wheel pack
So basically I want a lot of expensive shit.
Tuesday, July 21, 2009
But then I saw this:
You cannot be sad whilst looking at that picture. Only someone with a heart made of lead could not be cheered up by that. It's a 'piglet' squid, about the size of an orange, and is pretty much the cutest son of a bitch in the world. I want my babies to look like that.
Monday, July 20, 2009
That is where I make stupid statements and post pictures of Colin Firth.
Went to pick up Dad from the airport this morning. A month hasn't gone by already has it? But it has. Time is flying past us all and it scares me.
When my family was over in Port Lincoln, we stayed in our Grandma and Grandpa's (Oma and Pup is what we call them) house. That place never changes. Like, I am not exagerrating, there is still the same fucking everything. Except there was no Pup, not this time. He's not dead, no, not yet, but his bone cancer's got so bad that he can't stand up any more. So he stays in the Nursing Home. I visited. It smells like soup and toilets and the walls are blank and bare, there are codes on the door so dementia patients can't escape, there was a dementia patient there and she looked at us but we just walked away, ignored her and walked away, because some things are too uncomfortable to stare straight in the face.
He visited us for my Oma's birthday. He is changed, so changed, although he seems exactly the same. The same humour, the same voice, the same love of life and my Oma. But his eyes were different, like he knew he was staring death in the face. Except unlike everyone else he wasn't looking away.
And I realised that it's only a matter of time.
Which would you rather be: a boy or a girl?
I think sometimes I would rather be a boy. Of course now I have him I would reconsider this because he is a boy and he is straight; undoubtedly I would still be in love with him if I was a boy (I love the opposite sex too much to be anything but a gay man) but I think he is most devoutly straight so, yeah, he wouldn't go for me if I had a penis. I once asked him if he'd still love me if I had a sex change but all I got was 'I love you too much to ever let you get a sex change'. That's not an answer, fool. Go suck my imaginary cock. I love you!
It is a hard question though. Would I still love him if he changed into a girl? He would essentially be the same person but there would be something missing, something that wasn't quite right at all. I can't explain it, it all made sense in my head. It would be the biggest mindfuck ever, to be honest. I fall in love with this totally awesome guy and love everything about him, then he turns into a girl: what do I do? What would you do? What would Jesus do?
I'm sure he wouldn't get into the situation in the first place but whatever, it just sounded right.
Draw a line in the sand
And cross it once the waves have washed it away
Look in the mirror and break the glass
Frustration is a powerful force
Friday, July 17, 2009
Wednesday, July 15, 2009
Humankind has managed to achieve things thought impossible in years gone by, but we will never be able to triumph over nature. It will always hold tremendous power over us. The most advanced and superior of cities could be wiped out by an earthquake in an instant; the world's most powerful leaders could shiver when thunder rolls overhead; thousands could die when a tsunami hits.
No matter how infallible you think you are there's always going to be something that knocks you off your pedestal.
I love you.