Friday, July 31, 2009

"strangers on this road we are on but we are not two we are one"

A PINCH AND A PUNCH FOR THE FIRST DAY OF THE MONTH NO RETURNS.

10 days... :)

I cannot believe it's nearly been half a year, more if you include the time we were 'unofficial'. This has all gone so unbelievably fast. It's actually kind of scary. It really does not feel like all that long ago but I guess it was. I love you, did you know?

"sweet dreams are made of this"

I had possibly the most fantastic dream last night.

He was trying to make friends with this group of guys. However, they were enormous dick heads and were really really mean to him, except he didn't notice and kept trying to be their friend.

So

I BEAT THEM THE FUCK UP.

It was great, I like punched them and kicked them in the balls and threw books at them. And then they bled. And cried.

And, I don't know, it was just delightfully fun.

I also had a dream where I was in Port Lincoln and I did a strip tease for some obese kid who lived next door. I dunno. Awkward.

Thursday, July 30, 2009

i have new things!

It occured to me last night that people might actually read this pile of crap. How embarassing.

Anyway, I have news, which certainly won't excite anyone but me. My family bought a new computer! And we ordered wireless! Yes, I know, my mum finally got over her fear of wireless-induced cancer. And now I can go on the laptop it my room! Away from people eating apples! This fills my heart with glee.

The new computer is soooo cute. It's sitting next to me. /pokes. It's shiny and small and black and adorabubble. Mum says that next year I can get one for my room. =D I'd probably just sit there looking at it coz, ya know, that's just how I roll.

@Leish: I sincerely hope that you don't mind but I'm probably going to be stealing some of your movies. Glitta this goes for you too. Just thought I'd let you know, I can't really be bothered asking face to face because you're both at school. But yeah, coz the computer has a dvd burner so I can burn dvds now! =D

Umm.. yeah. That's all I've got. Apologies for the excessively boring blog.
I hate teachers that are all like YOU MUST DO THINGS THIS EXACT WAY OR FAIL THE COURSE.

I DON'T WANT TO DO A FUCKING TIMELINE AND FIVE ZILLION DRAFTS OF MY WORK AND YOUR SHITTY WAY OF DOING A BIBLIOGRAPHY, IT'S MY ASSIGNMENT AND NOT YOURS, I'LL DO THINGS THE WAY I WANT.

MOTHER FUCKER.

Grr.

:(

excuse me while i rant

Bloody hell, I fucking hate apples. I like apple juice but apples are like the spawn of Satan. I especially hate it when other people eat apples. crunchcrunchslurpiamincapableofeatingwithmymouthshutbecauseiamretarded.

Yes, sister, I am talking to you. You irritate me highly with your constant apple eating. You sit there and kick your desk and spin around and slurp (WHO FUCKING SLURPS APPLES?!) and crunch whilst I am trying my fucking hardest to procrasinate study. You get the juice all over your fingers and subsequently over the keyboard, so I cannot even use that computer without vomiting in my mouth because the keyboard is so defiled. I touched it once and it was sticky. STICKY. I had to run my hands under hot water for two minutes just to make my traumatised fingers feel clean again. They were violated and its all your fault, sister.

And it's not only apples you eat at that computer, oh no, the list includes curry and iced coffee and well, let's be honest, nearly everything you consume if consumed in front of that screen. And you eat with your fingers, WITH YOUR FINGERS. This shocks me for two reasons, firstly that you haven't, at aged twelve, mastered the art of cutlery. Second, you lick those fingers and touch the keyboard, then lick them again. THAT'S LIKE LICKING A PUBLIC TOILET SEAT. Scratch that, it's like licking the inside of a public toilet bowl which hasn't been flushed in a week.

You do all this and wonder why I shudder at the thought of you using my laptop. My fears are grounded, fool, you get bread crumbs in the keys and peel off those stickers leaving sticky marks and BREAK MY RIGHT ARROW KEY. YOU BROKE IT. YOU FUCKING BROKE IT. But no one listens to me when I beg and plead for you not to be allowed on my laptop, oh no, no one even listens to me when I petition for you to not be allowed to eat in the computer room. I come in here and see you eating something with your fingers, don't eat in front of the computer!

I'm not touching anything.

Yeah like shit you aren't, which is why the keyboard and mouse are covered in juice and crumbs.

DAMN.

/end

Wednesday, July 29, 2009

"to be a pokemon master is my destinyyyyyy"



CHARMANDER FTW
Dear Madonna,

I do not like you. You are fifty. Put some clothes on.

Rawwwr, fear me for I am Madonna

I am also having issues with your arms. I dislike them as much as I dislike you. Because of your ungodly arms, I have come to the conclusion that you are not actually human.

I also highly dislike your singing, and when your music videos are on my tv I throw up a little in my mouth before changing the channel even if there's nothing else good on because quite frankly, I would rather watch Divorce Court than listen to you.

You represent all that is evil in this world; however, I will reconsider my opinion if you decide to wear pants in your next concert.

Please do not bother me any longer.

Sincerely,
Lauren.

PS. Only fifteen more years until you're a pensioner!

"rocking the casbah, rock the casbah"

Love is gazing at her in a pitch black room.

insight five

Broken trust will never fully heal.

Tuesday, July 28, 2009

'if it was a rapist flower it deserved to die'

I have noticed lately that not only do I lead a delightfully boring life, I also seem to be aging before my time. I mean, I'm fuckin FIFTEEN with a grey hair. And I do stupid shit like miss words out of my sentences and get plates out for cups of tea. Is there such a thing as early onset dementia? If so, I'm screwed.

Apparently there's a mum at my sister's school who has dementia. She's forty-odd. With young kids. Dementia is supposed to only be for old people in nursing homes with kids that can look after them and coded locks on the doors so they can't get out but she has it. How is that fair, how? I don't know this woman, I don't even know the validity of this story (though I did hear it from Mum and she's generally reliable) but I'm still devastated for their family.

Imagine being a little kid with a mum who forgets your name, your age, your face. Imagine running up to her, arms wide for a cuddle, expectancy and innocence, only to be held at arm's length, who are you? I'm sure that they would have a loving family to support them and explain what's happening, but what could beat the pain of not being recognised by your own mother?

Imagine being the mother, being trapped in an unescapable world which gets more nightmarish day by day. Fuck, what would it be like, living day by day with the knowledge that everything's going to slip away from you and you'll be left with nothing, nothing but confusion and a family of strangers. I don't want to tempt Fate but to be honest, I would rather die than to have that happen, at least I'd die knowing who I was, who my family and friends were, that I was loved, that it's all going to be okay in the end.

Apparently dementia's hereditary, so I've probably escaped fingerscrossedtouchwood.

But what if I haven't?

Sunday, July 26, 2009

Saturday, July 25, 2009

insight four

You will never be the fairest of them all.

jesus would be the best shopping buddy

So I was reading the Bible last night, for the first time in ages. I've neglected it for a while, but that's a long story which I can't be bothered telling so let's just stick with this. And so I was reading, and I came across a section in Matthew, thought it looked interesting and so started reading (Matthew 23 if you were interested). And so basically I fell in love with Jesus again, because I had kinda lost sight of who he was and so when I read the Bible I thought he came across as, I dunno, kinda mean, but that's because I'm a douchebag and kinda neglected the part about oh, I dunno, him DYING ON THE CROSS FOR ME. I dunno. Work with me here.

I love it how he doesn't beat around the bush and just says what he's thinking. He was going through all these parables for a while, then just is like, 'yeah, so basically I'm gonna die in two days.' Then later he was like 'So... One of you guys is gonna betray me.' And everyone was like 'no, not me, I would never do something like that /cries', and then Judas was all like 'surely not I' and Jesus was all like 'nah it's you'. Then later Peter's like 'I will never betray you' and Jesus was all like 'nah you will'. You kinda get the feeling that Jesus would have been the most awesome shopping buddy, because you'd be all like 'does this look ok on me?' and he'd be all like 'nah, not really', except you wouldn't be offended because he'd find something else and it's be all like 'but this, you'd look damn fine in this' and you'd love him because you in fact do look damn fine.

It strikes me that I have a very irreligious view on all this, which slightly worries me incase God gets offended but then I realise that Jesus was pretty irreligious himself in the most awesome way possible and so yeah.

-tumbleweed-

'pictures of lilly made my life so wonderfullllll'


"The Icelandic Phallological Museum is devoted entirely to collecting penis specimens from all sorts of land and sea mammals. The museum has received a legally certified gift token for a future specimen belonging to Homo sapiens."

Someone please clarify: does that mean that they are going to put a human penis on display?

Hehehehehehe.

I love wikipedia. =D

edit:

"Although the museum does not yet have a Homo sapiens specimen, in the interest of advancing phallological knowledge, a patron (Páll Arason, born in 1915 and currently 94 years old) has donated, presumably posthumously, an affidavit for his penis."


Secret Life of an American Teenager

'I have been rejected by the french horn player, Amy... something or rather, and therefore have decided I am in love with her.'

Friday, July 24, 2009

"streets are uneven when you're down"

Oh Lord Oh Lord Oh Lord

Driving down a suburban street, father and daughter singing along to the radio, sun is shining, small child steps out of the shade in the middle of the road.

Shit.

Jerk of the brakes, rush of blood to the head, innocence stares at us with wide eyes.

YOU COULD HAVE BEEN KILLED.

The other couple watching leaps out of their car, gathers innocence up in their arms and we all wonder about what could have happened. Oblivious innocence waves his hands and frowns at the strangers, who are you?

What if it hadn't been my dad, law abiding safe driver with quick relfexes? What if it had been a hoon, racing down the streets, speeding music blaring nothing can harm me WHAM and another one bites the dust.

Innocence lost, a child's brains dashed across the road, death in suburbia.
A mother weeping, ambulance wailing, grief.
What if?

thank you Lord.

"so i'll stand with arms high and heart abandoned"

Love is always saying goodnight.

"wake up you sleepy head put on some clothes shake up your bed"

Yesterday was the most fantastic, 'up yours, Lauren' which God has ever said to me. Leish and I were at Marion, buying some shiz. We went to Target, where she went to buy two books and her ipod.

Leisha: 'Ohh... Maybe I should shop around for cheaper prices...'
Me: 'Nope, you're buying it here.'
Leisha: 'But...'
Me: 'YOU'RE BUYING IT HERE.' -drags into checkout queue-

Then her card doesn't work. So she freaks out, and we decide to go to Big W to check everything out. And, of course, they have everything for heaps cheaper, and her card worked perfectly. I dunno, I just find that amusing, and I have nothing else to say. I have soup?

Thursday, July 23, 2009

'ch-ch-ch-ch-changes'

burstmybubblegetmyheadoutofthecloudsturnmyhighhorseintofirewood

You've helped me look around and notice the world, whether you realise it or not. Thank you, thank you, thank you, you're my wake up call and lucky charm and the better half of me. Literally, as we are as thin as rakes and us together equals one person and you obviously roll me in the awesome stakes. I love you, did you know? :)

"all you need is love all you need is loooove love love is all you need"

Love is tying up her shoelaces when everyone's looking.

"make believe that you don't see the tears just let me grieve in silence coz each time i see you i just start to cryyyyyyy walk on byyyyyyy"

Mum got my wii today. I carefully undressed it, caressed it softly and whispered sweet nothings into its disk slot. Three months seperation is going to be torture.

WAIT FOR ME MY DARLING.

insight three

Teenage life = international politics on steroids.

Wednesday, July 22, 2009

"is it me, for a moment? the stars are falling"

Fingers crossed that Mum has bought the wii today. Yes, thrilling, shut the fuck up Leisha, just because you can think of stuff to blog about.

Off to buy his present. >:D

Why are we compelled to inflict pain on the ones we love?

In some cases, it's because I'm buying my boyfriend, whom I seriously love with all my heart, a food stuff that he has sworn he'd never eat. I also made him promise that he'd eat it. He's scared.

But in other cases it could just be a thoughtless word, an intentionally spiteful comment, doing something, anything, that makes them cry. You love them with all your heart, yet you lapse, slip into that selfish part of you that you try so hard to hide but it still comes out, all the time, Jekyll and Hyde style. doctorjimmyandmisterjimwhenimpilledyoudontnoticehim

You're aware that what you're saying or doing will just cause them pain, will bring tears to their eyes and a lump to their throat but you do it anyway. whyohwhy

It doesn't mean you're bad. Everyone does it, don't they?

Human = Fail.

insight two

Secrets are no fun if they can't be shared.

"my darling you will never know how elegant you'll always be to me"

Love is sweeter than pepsi and stronger than diamonds.

insight one

It's hard to be honest when everybody knows your name.

"we are living in a material world and i am a material girl"

fdklasjhgkafhgtirufhytkdfjshgkfdytrdfhjgadkhfsddaksfjhf

You know what shits me off? When you find the most perfect thing you could have used for your assignment, and it turns out to be something you have to pay for, or a book, or something that is not freely accessible. I have traipsed around the internet trying to find something for a fricken psychology assignment, but no, every completely amazing resource is a BOOK. NOT HELPFUL WHEN IT'S DUE THE NEXT DAY. I am on the verge of despairing and drowning myself in a long, hot shower. Tempting. Or even just giving up and going to bed.

School is a chore at the moment. I used to love it, especially early in the year. I don't know what was propelling me on back then but I've completely lost it now. The thought of double Nutrition tomorrow is making me want to cry. I love the subject, it is interesting, but I really don't want to face like nearly two hours of sitting and listening to talking and taking notes and watching the clock and thinking about him, nothing but him, because I have a one track mind that occasionally verges off into subjects like soup and my body heat but generally comes back to him. Am I pathetic? Yes. Obviously. Oh god my foot has gone numb.

Ugh that feels horrendous.

What I want: a Wii.

More specifically:

a wii
two controllers
a nunchuck
wii sports
wii play
big family games
big beach sports
carnival minigolf
mario kart oh look the blood's returning to my limbs
animal crossing: let's go to the city
mario party 8
super mario galaxy
okami
sonic wii charge and wheel pack

So basically I want a lot of expensive shit.

Tuesday, July 21, 2009

"hey you with the pretty face, welcome to the human face"

The right arrow on my laptop leyboard is broken. I am, to say the least, in the throes of despair.

But then I saw this:


You cannot be sad whilst looking at that picture. Only someone with a heart made of lead could not be cheered up by that. It's a 'piglet' squid, about the size of an orange, and is pretty much the cutest son of a bitch in the world. I want my babies to look like that.

"she done it with the doctor on a helicopter"

Love is epic failing together. =)

Monday, July 20, 2009

The Jane Austen Book Blog Club

Dear all the numerous amounts of people that obviously read my blog,

http://thejaneaustenblogclub.blogspot.com/

That is where I make stupid statements and post pictures of Colin Firth.

Sincerely,
Lauren.

"and a hundred lonely housewives clutch empty milk bottles to their hearts"

There was something scary and metal in my bed last night. Turns out it was a coat hanger, fortunately, but I was kind of scared because my wordy word it sounded like there was someone walking around outside. So instead of doing something about it I hid under my covers, ate pickles and texted him. As you do.

Went to pick up Dad from the airport this morning. A month hasn't gone by already has it? But it has. Time is flying past us all and it scares me.

When my family was over in Port Lincoln, we stayed in our Grandma and Grandpa's (Oma and Pup is what we call them) house. That place never changes. Like, I am not exagerrating, there is still the same fucking everything. Except there was no Pup, not this time. He's not dead, no, not yet, but his bone cancer's got so bad that he can't stand up any more. So he stays in the Nursing Home. I visited. It smells like soup and toilets and the walls are blank and bare, there are codes on the door so dementia patients can't escape, there was a dementia patient there and she looked at us but we just walked away, ignored her and walked away, because some things are too uncomfortable to stare straight in the face.

He visited us for my Oma's birthday. He is changed, so changed, although he seems exactly the same. The same humour, the same voice, the same love of life and my Oma. But his eyes were different, like he knew he was staring death in the face. Except unlike everyone else he wasn't looking away.



And I realised that it's only a matter of time.

"love is waiting for you baby"

Love is when two lives collide.

"what if God was one of us?"

I am a very emotional person but sometimes I struggle with sorting all my emotions out. Though perhaps that is the cause: I have too many too work through. I think we're all like that, this raging bitching crying swearing sub human species we generally refer to as teenage girls.

Which would you rather be: a boy or a girl?

I think sometimes I would rather be a boy. Of course now I have him I would reconsider this because he is a boy and he is straight; undoubtedly I would still be in love with him if I was a boy (I love the opposite sex too much to be anything but a gay man) but I think he is most devoutly straight so, yeah, he wouldn't go for me if I had a penis. I once asked him if he'd still love me if I had a sex change but all I got was 'I love you too much to ever let you get a sex change'. That's not an answer, fool. Go suck my imaginary cock. I love you!

It is a hard question though. Would I still love him if he changed into a girl? He would essentially be the same person but there would be something missing, something that wasn't quite right at all. I can't explain it, it all made sense in my head. It would be the biggest mindfuck ever, to be honest. I fall in love with this totally awesome guy and love everything about him, then he turns into a girl: what do I do? What would you do? What would Jesus do?

I'm sure he wouldn't get into the situation in the first place but whatever, it just sounded right.

Ramble ramble.

/end

"a beggar, a hypocrite, love reign o'er me"

Who are we but the sum of our mistakes?
Draw a line in the sand
And cross it once the waves have washed it away

Look in the mirror and break the glass
Frustration is a powerful force

Friday, July 17, 2009

"and another one's gone and another one's gone, another one bites the dust"

I was going to post a blog of self loathing but I fucked up the font.

Maybe it's all for the best.

Wednesday, July 15, 2009

"there ain't a cloud in sight"

We think we rule the world, but doesn't the world really rule us?

Humankind has managed to achieve things thought impossible in years gone by, but we will never be able to triumph over nature. It will always hold tremendous power over us. The most advanced and superior of cities could be wiped out by an earthquake in an instant; the world's most powerful leaders could shiver when thunder rolls overhead; thousands could die when a tsunami hits.



No matter how infallible you think you are there's always going to be something that knocks you off your pedestal.

"only love can make the rain that falls like tears from on high"

I can't think of anything to say except a string of timeworn cliches that cannot express the depth of the feelings I hold inside of me. I fear that if I say how perfect this all is, it will all shatter around me and I'll be left holding fragments of what once was. But deep down I know that won't happen. I trust you when you say that you'll always want to be with me, and that your love for me is boundless. I would thank you til the end of time but still my gratitude wouldn't seem like enough to repay you. So I guess I'll just have to settle for those three little words, which have been said thousands upon thousands of times but never lose their meaning:

I love you.